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The 3rd movie in the Fifty Shades saga—really, this is a saga—comes the end February 9, simply in time because that ironic Valentine’s day plans. Thus, I—an entertain writer and also self-respecting lover of devastating movies—have determined it’s high time to finally watch them, taking on Fifty Shades that Grey and also Fifty Shades Darker in the weeks before the finale concerns theaters so that I’ll be ready when things finally… climax.

If you’re unfamiliar, Fifty Shades of Grey (based on an digital erotic story turned mainstream bestseller) adheres to college an elderly Anastasia Steele, who substitutes for she roommate at the last minute come 27-year-old billionaire Christian Grey. The two of them have actually chemistry, and go on a couple of dates, however Grey is kinky, through an interest in BDSM, and also Ana is a virgin that veers a small prudish. That buys her a laptop and a car and also shows up at random places in her life to woo her. She experiments v his leading proclivities, but is at some point a tiny uncomfortable with it when he spanks her and also she realizes just how much that enjoys it. She leaves his apartment. Fin.

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That’s it! That’s the entirety plot! 2 attractive, white twentysomethings that toy with the idea of dating yet ultimately suffer from misaligned sexual preferences. And also although Dakota Johnson and also Jamie Dornan looked famously miserable throughout their press tour, doing not have what most world would speak to “chemistry” or “basic human being emotion” (the vibe is like polite acquaintances grounding in an elevator), I have to say I kind of loved Johnson’s performance: prefer she can’t believe this is a movie either.

The truth is, it’s not a negative movie. True! It’s aggressively fine. The cardinal sin is the there’s hardly sufficient movie to go on in ~ all: it’s like a romantic comedy minus all of the contrived shenanigans and also minus the comedy. And so ns didn’t dislike it… yet I did have actually some questions, together as:

Ana’s roommate is composing an write-up for the university ngaianation.netspaper around Christian Grey, but she was sick ~ above the day their was reserved so Ana agreed to go and also the businessman utilizing the perform of questions her roommate had actually ready. That’s a little strange; as someone that intervigaianation.nets civilization professionally, i would never send mine non-reporter roommate come go talk to a source. Why wouldn’t lock send one more reporter native the ngaianation.netspaper? Or reschedule the Or do it top top the phone? Or do it via email (which they end up act anyway since Ana does together a terrible job)? however the actual weirdness is a brief throwaway line as Ana pipeline to speak to Christian: “You have the right to take mine car,” Ana’s roommate says. And Anastasia does. She drives she roommate’s auto to Seattle to see Christian. But… why?

Anastasia has a car. She has a blue car. We watch it in the opened scene, as soon as she’s leave campus to go back to her apartment. The isn’t as nice together her roommate’s car, sure, and you might, justifiably, extrapolate the her vehicle isn’t in good-enough form to make it come Seattle. Yet it is! Ana drives she blue automobile to Christian’s office later on in the movie. Ns cannot number out why Ana would not drive her very own car. And also so, from this movie’s an extremely opening moments, i was confused and also disoriented, like I had been blindfolded in a stranger’s sex room.

Hear me out. Once Anastasia is leaving come go do her roommate’s for she (in her roommate’s car), she kisses her on the head. Ns lived through a roommate in York for two years. She and I are great friends, and also we have been friends because college. I have never when kissed her on the head. I don’t think ns have ever kissed someone on the head who is no a romantic partner. That is an intimate gesture, choose picking lint off someone’s suit jacket.

And their familiarity goes even further: Ana’s roommate steals a sandwich that Ana made herself, lifting that from the plate when flirtily increasing her eyebrows. And also she uses lipgloss straight to Ana’s lips when the 2 are obtaining ready. And also now i ask you: why execute you think Ana is quiet a virgin at 22? She’s no religious, and also she has an energetic social life v her friends. I’m not saying it’s in any way atypical for someone to graduate college without having sex, however I’m likgaianation.netise positing it’s feasible Anastasia hasn’t discovered a guy she truly connected with since she was in search of a man. Maybe instead of overthinking Christian Grey’s man-child tendencies and forcing it s her to end up being comfortable with a sexual dynamic that doesn’t turn her on, she must look inside and examine her very own sexuality.

Christian Grey is a technology billionaire, running what we’re told is a an extremely successful company. And also yet every solitary person we watch in his rental is a stick-thin, gorgeous mrs in porn-high heels. Exactly how is that no a red flag? Does the ask because that photographs through resumes? I wanted the plot the this movie to be about a size-8 brunette v an remarkable background in business admin who doesn’t do it previous the phase of the hiring procedure and papers a significant lawsuit.

Anastasia even gets the entirety vibe and Christian doesn’t correct her. Once he provides her one internship (creepy), Ana replies the she wouldn’t to the right in there. “Look in ~ me,” she says. Not, “Oh, I’m actually not a service major,” or “Actually, I’m no really interested in telecommunications or whatever.” No, she answer is, I am no attractive sufficient to obtain an internship at this company where it seems female employees are hired for your attractiveness. And Christian doesn’t correct her! He’s no like, “What do you mean? us hire interns based on their resumes and also intelligences and also you seem very on-the-ball” or whatever. He simply goes, “I am,” and also gives her a smoldering gaze, fully reinforcing the we-only-hire-based-on-looks thing.

Danny Elfman walk the music because that this movie?!

This is a question I asked out loud as the opening credits came throughout the screen. That did!

Doesn’t Anastasia require ID to acquire into the building?

This is the headquarters that a significant business enterprise, and Anastasia is impersonating who in bespeak to get inside. Literally, once she arrives, Christian’s model-assistant calls she by her roommate’s name which suggests that her roommate never ever sent a quick email to let anyone understand that someone else would be comes in she place. We currently established exactly how weird the is the she sent out her roommate and not one more ngaianation.netspaper reporter, but now I have to wonder how lax protection is at Grey HQ.

I recognize that Anastasia is no a professional reporter and this is her first, however what the screenwriters presumably believed was flirty banter is actually just extremely rude and made me very uncomfortable. She asks about his tremendous success, and then goes, “Maybe you’re just lucky.” excuse me, Ana. That is a 27-year old billionaire providing you a minutes the his time to command an in-person for a college student ngaianation.netspaper. “Maybe you’re just lucky”? and then she likgaianation.netise asks if he’s gay, which again, was on the list that her roommate provided her, but that list was an extremely long, and they only obtained through choose three questions. Anastasia easily could have skipped that one, realizing the it’s no a polite thing to questioning a human being you simply met.

So, just to recap, Ana’s roommate is composing an article for the school file about Christian Grey, well known billionaire. And, for part reason, we find out that she’s having actually trouble clearing some photos of him to go with the piece. This allows Christian come spend more time with Ana by agreeing to carry out an immediate photoshoot, however also: what the hell? how are there no photos easily accessible of a renowned billionaire? What walk this school record normally use? There are numerous archives and photo services choose Getty because that this very purpose. And also Ana’s roommate literally mentions seeing photos of Christian: she called Ana that she thought he was gay due to the fact that she never saw him with any type of women in society pictures. Someone who is the number-one most eligible bachelor in America (according a website we see) and who’s getting paparazzi photos taken of him should have actually some damn pictures accessible for a ngaianation.nets article. In ~ this point, I simply sort the realized possibly Ana’s roommate is… destructive at act her basic job?

At their first, Christian is very flirty, and also he asks Anastasia out to coffee. But two minutes right into their date, prior to she also takes a bite that muffin, Ana casually mentions that she’s type of a romantic and Christian literally goes “I’ll walk you out,” choose they’re on SNL‘s parodies that The Bachelor and she just admitted she actually has curly hair. The is not common or polite day behavior—if someone states something that provides you think, “Oh, this more than likely won’t work-related in the long or brief term,” the nice thing to carry out is politely finish your coffee, provide them a hug, and also move on v your life. Ending the date that an extremely moment is the most drama queen actions I have ever seen.

He speak her the he’s poor for her and also they shouldn’t date. Okay, a little harsh, however fine. And then he sends out her a an extremely expensive gift: first editions that her favourite book. This is a romantic gift! It’s a gift because that someone you’ve been date for years. Mixed SIGNAL. And also then Ana drunk-dials him, which college kids do sometimes, and instead that politely hanging increase and allowing her to move on through her life, he shows up in ~ the college bar and also brings her earlier to his hotel room whereby he is really sexual and really flirty. And then the “I don’t execute romance” man takes her the end on a day on a personal helicopter ride. The is precise The Bachelor, a show that is all about pretending to be romantic.

So gain your story straight, Christian: execute you carry out romance or don’t you? He clearly says, “I don’t do flowers,” yet how are first editions that someone’s favourite book any type of less “romantic”? does he know what that word means?

So Ana goes out to a bar through her friends, gets really drunk, and also drunkenly phone call Christian that picks she up and brings her ago to his hotel come sleep it turn off (he also changed her right into pajamas i beg your pardon feels excessively wrong). And Christian also sends his driver come get much more clothes because that her since she vomited on she outfit from critical night. A couple of questions here: first, the undressing—yeesh, right? however also, walk the driver go pick up clothes Ana currently owns from she house? how would he know where Anastasia lives? She’s a college college student who’s relocating out of her presumable student housing after graduation, therefore it’s not choose it would be on she driver’s license. Walk you have your university dorm ~ above your driver’s license? No. Exactly how did Christian’s driver gain in her house? Did she roommate allow in a strange man she had never seen prior to who said he want to take part clothes? What the hell. And also how is breaking right into her house to steal some clothes any type of easier than washing the clothing that had vomit top top them? They’re in a hotel; lock probably have a to wash service, or Christian is rich sufficient to send it out special. If his driver bought clothes because that her, just how the hell would certainly he have actually known what size she is? walk Christian make his driver study the brand on the insides that a weird girl’s vomit-encrusted clothes?

And climate to make points weirder: Ana is still attract the outfit Christian’s driver choose out when she and Christian go on their day that night. Did she not shower? She had a disgusting, vomit-y drunken night! Or did she shower and also get earlier in the clothing a random stranger pulled because that her? Why would certainly she perform that? ns mean, you’d think you’d desire to get much more dressed up for your an initial real date with someone. To be Christian’s driver’s taste that good that he occurred to randomly pull specifically the outfit she would have chosen come wear?

After their sex night, Ana put on the standard “morning after ~ sex” movie outfit of just a man’s white button-down shirt and begins food preparation breakfast, barefoot in his kitchen, if dancing follow me to music. How is she comfortable enough to perform this? What 22-year-old virgin has the trust to wake up in a strange man’s apartment, after ~ a first date, find his music player, pat music, and also begin preparing an elaborate homemade breakfast? That’s incredible, sociology confidence.

A vehicle is a significant purchase and also piece of property. Obviously, it’s interpreted in this cosmos that Christian is really controlling and so I’m less concerned with questioning the principles of marketing someone’s automobile without them questioning and more concerned v the logistics. Exactly how do you market someone’s vehicle without their knowledge?! walk Christian steal the keys? Cars have titles, and registration, and also ownership. No reputable dealer will accept a clearly stolen car indigenous a middle-aged man claiming to be a 22-year-old named Anastasia Steele. Walk Christian clean out her an individual belongings? Didn’t she have actually things in she car—CDs? Gym clothes? Anastasia is a tiny miffed once she finds the end they marketed her automobile so she can’t get it back, and she asks for the money they sold it for, which, yes, hello, of food belongs to her. Yet she should have been freaking out since stealing her vehicle is literally insane.

For a movie ostensibly all about BDSM, Fifty Shades of Grey is shockingly prudish. That treats BDSM together an extraterrestrial anomaly, a strange character defect and also not a very common sexual fetish. It’s like, a classification on porn sites. Sure, it’s typically a private thing since most people’s sex stays are private, however private isn’t the exact same as outrageously taboo.

You know how The walking Dead exist in a universe where zombies don’t exist together a cultural touchstone? I have to imagine the the exact same is true because that Fifty Shades the Grey and BDSM. Why else execute they treat getting turned on by domination and submission together an outrageously deviant burden? It’s not like Christian Grey is a wergaianation.netolf. The just has a Fetlife profile, and also the money to upgrade from “Velcro ~ above the bedposts” to “sex room.”

Fifty Shades that Grey likgaianation.netise has this weird perspective whereby they the submissive side of BDSM as total martyrdom, letting yourself it is in hurt to bring the other human being pleasure. But… world are turned on by submission too. A lot of people. BDSM is around finding human being who are turned on by power and domination and pairing castle with human being who space turned on through obedience and also pain. If the doesn’t turn Anastasia on, she shouldn’t execute it. Period. BDSM isn’t a sacrifice that she need to be making for totally free cars. In ~ one point she accurate asks, “What perform I gain out of it?” and Christian Grey goes, “Me.” that is no the exactly answer at all! in ~ that allude he should have sat her down and also said, “Oh, this is actually supposed to be pleasurable for both parties, and also we have to talk around things that rotate you ~ above in order to do this satisfying all around.” Sex shouldn’t it is in a thing she has to endure in order to invest time through him. He shouldn’t be blackmailing her v their partnership to obtain to whip her. Yet that’s what he does! and it’s very weird!

So it’s strange the neither of castle seems mindful that there are people who enjoy being submissives in BDSM relationships, however it’s likgaianation.netise strange the the climax (sorry) the this movie comes around when she asks him to spank her, and also he does, and also then she freaks out. Anastasia literally asks Christian to spank her because she desires to feeling what transforms him on, the thing that drives him. The tells her he is going to spank her v a flogger 6 times. That spanks her v a flogger 6 times. And then Ana becomes furious and kink-shames him all over the location saying points like, “This is what friend like??? This is what transforms you on??? Hurting me??? seeing me favor this!?!?!?”

And it’s like…. Girl. That’s what BDSM is. Girlfriend asked him to carry out that. That did. You have actually safe words—”yellow” for when you’re acquiring concerned, and also “red” for when you desire to stop—and girlfriend didn’t use them. So, yes. You have to leave. Clearly you and Christian have totally incompatible sexual preferences in this bizarro vanilla universe.

No under than three times in this movie does Christian discover Anastasia at some location even though she didn’t call him wherein she was going to be. The an initial is at the hardware store—even despite she had told that she functioned at a hardware store, she didn’t tell the which one. The second is in ~ the bar, where she drunk-dialed him. The third is mother-effing Georgia, where she’s visiting her mother. Not just does he in reality fly throughout the country, but he’s able to present up at the specific restaurant whereby Ana is eating.

Ethics that his stalking aside, I see a an ext sinister underlying subtext: digital surveillance. It’s very vague what Christian’s firm does. He’s a billionaire v investments anywhere the world, yet the most detail we get is “telecommunications.” ns posit to you the Christian and also his firm have the sources to screen the place of every single cell call in the country, and the facilities so that technology is readily available for your CEO to access.

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Fifty Shades of Grey is not a boring film about a pair discussing your turn-ons; it’s a subtle and deceptive film about the power we’ve given technology companies end our lives. It’s usually Citizenfour. Ns humbly complete that Fifty Shades the Grey is the ideal Black Mirror episode to date, where the exploration of the insidiousness of modern technology is lurking, nearly invisibly, in the background, behind all of the talk about butt plugs.